Blurred Lines to Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are NOT:
- Simply learning to say no.
- A way to stop your mother-in-law from showing up unannounced.
- Telling your husband, “Do this, or else.”
The real question to ask is: Who is the boundary for – them or you?
It’s actually for you!
I learned this the hard way. I was the ultimate people pleaser – caring more for others than myself, prioritising their needs ahead of mine. Then, I had the nerve to complain that they were taking advantage of me.
I’ve fallen into the trap of accusing people of “invading my privacy” or “overstepping my boundaries.” But here’s the truth – no one knows your boundaries because they’re invisible. They become blurred when your actions do not align with your words.
The Unspoken Agreement of Conditioning
Imagine this: Your partner is watching TV, and there’s a mug on the table that belongs to them. It’s sitting there, irritating you. You’d love for it to be washed, dried, and put away. So, without a second thought, you pick it up and do it yourself.
Your partner might say, “I was going to do that,” or say nothing at all. After all, you’ve conditioned them to know you’ll take care of it. This is the status quo.
The Illusion of Boundaries
Most people think boundaries are about telling others what they can or cannot do – drawing a line in the sand and daring them to cross it. But guess what? They do. They test it. They inch closer and closer, and your anxiety, anger, and emotions go through the roof.
You tell yourself, “Next time, I’ll show them!” But next time comes, and the same thing happens again. Why? Because your boundary is non-existent.
I tried another approach – I imagined drawing a circle around myself and declaring, “No one can cross this!” But I quickly realised that others didn’t care about the circle. Instead, I was the one who felt trapped inside it.
The more conditions and rules you create, the more you’re consumed by them. If you create boundaries for others, you’ll be the one stuck inside them. It’s like strapping yourself into a straitjacket – damned if you step outside, damned if you stay in.
Boundaries Are an Energy, Not a Rule
Boundaries are invisible. They don’t exist in reality. So how do you shift this in relationships?
Let’s consider a teacher in a classroom. They tell students that disobedience has consequences. Yet, in relationships, there are often no consequences – we argue, suffer in silence, or let it slide, allowing the same behaviours to continue.
Why do children respect the teacher’s boundary, even though they can’t physically see it? It’s not fear – it’s who the teacher is being. It’s the energy they hold, the space they command. Kids intuitively know that the teacher will follow through with what they say.
The Key to True Boundaries
In Marriage Expert coaching, we work on creating boundaries that aren’t outside of you but are part of you. We restore you back to the blueprint of who you are – free from rigid rules and restrictions. Instead, we focus on you becoming the boundary.
For example, people do to you what you do to them:
- If you don’t communicate, they don’t communicate.
- If you plot, plan, and live in secrecy, they do the same.
- Your boundary is either being tested or exposed.
In marriage coaching, we explore three key aspects of boundaries:
- Self – Personal space, needs, and wants.
- Partnership – Manifesto/agreements that must always be in place, or you risk falling back into conflict. This is one of my favourite takes – because it’s unique to every couple. It’s the blending of 2 to 1 in the truest form.
- Family & Community – How you show up among friends, family, and kids.
It takes minutes to break boundaries. But if you are an empowered, self-assured individual, your boundary cannot be broken. As a couple, you are not there to test each other but to strengthen one another. This, in turn, strengthens the boundary of how you treat your marriage.
So put away the spray paint and let’s work to create the person you choose to be. Everyone else will know how to treat you when you learn how to treat yourself – boundlessly!
About Gurjit Rana
Gurjit Rana is a renowned Marriage Expert dedicated to helping individuals and couples create thriving relationships through self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and healthy communication. With years of experience coaching high-achieving professionals, she specialises in transforming relationships by shifting personal dynamics, setting clear boundaries, and restoring emotional balance.
Find out more about boundary setting and how to reinforce them through who you are being – book a call today at www.marriageexpert.co.uk/consultation
